The White House July 8, 2024 @ 3 A.M. EST
The President of the United States has announced in an early morning news conference today that he has ordered the immediate move of the White House to a location near the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem, Israel. “This is only intended as a convenience to many on the White House staff,” said the President to the media representatives in the White House press room. “Most of you here and the staff, and the Joint Chiefs, will enjoy shorter commutes to work, as well as access to more congenial food trucks.” This was a welcome change to the longstanding White House policy of remaining in its current Washington, DC, location, and away from all the action. “Rest assured, we can rul…er,govern, from anywhere. And we have done so just about everywhere since the end for World War II.”
We were stunned to learn of this news: what President? Is Donald Trump headed for his apotheosis at last? But wait, this move was ordered by Joseph Biden, still our President. Surely he was mistakenly plagiarizing one of Donald Trump’s rants. But no, Jill assures us that this is Joe himself. “He didn’t touch a drop of his Irish whisky. Truly. And don’t worry, everything will be fine.”
“It’s time we resolved the Palestinian Question,” asserted President Biden, boldly. “And this is only the first step. The next is the move of Camp David to the resort of Elath on the Red Sea.”
After a long pause, and a moment of delicious cognitive deliquescence, he continued, “Lastly, the entire United States will become the property of the state of Israel, giving us an enormous military base, and a firm foothold in the Middle East. So we can take care of all that nonsense over there. Gaza will be developed as a luxury resort, to be called Trump Gaza, in honor of my predecessor, who insisted on getting a piece of the action, in exchange for not running.”
Who says he can’t think straight anymore?
